Quit phubbing your friends.

A goofy-sounding portmanteau that you may take part in every day.

Cultural norms have evolved since the introduction of the smartphone. We announce our engagements, big moves, and growing families on social media. It’s normal to send work emails at all hours — straight from our phones. We read headlines to get the news, we watch 30-second videos to learn new skills.

We use our phones to learn, to connect, to take pictures and videos, to track our exercise, to track our food-intake, to navigate, to journal, to bank, to secure our homes, to order food, to read the menu at a restaurant, to listen to music, audiobooks, and podcasts.

Phones are pervasive, it’s no wonder we have normalized being glued to them at all times, even while simply talking to someone else.

What’s phubbing?

The term “phubbing” – Phone Snubbing – was new to me, but the experience is not. Phubbing “occurs when someone in a social setting shifts attention to a smartphone instead of engaging with others.” Taking it a step further, “partner phubbing occurs when one partner chooses to prioritize phone usage over actively engaging with their partner.”

It’s an incredibly rude way to treat someone, yet it’s so commonplace, I’d wager it could happen to you daily. Maybe, as a sort of defense mechanism, you even “phub” others yourself.

From a study cited in the National Library of Medicine:

“Phubbing has become a commonplace behavior. The more we are phubbed the more likely we are to phub others. The extraordinary attention-grabbing ability of the smartphone would only be an interesting story if not for its impact on social media use and, ultimately, stress and depression. Results [of the study] find that phubbed individuals experience a sense of social exclusion that, paradoxically, is associated with an increased use of social media. This increased use of social media is associated with higher reported levels of anxiety and depression. Future research directions and study limitations are discussed.”

Sequential Mediation Model Tested Based on David and Roberts (2017)

It’s an unhealthy cycle that is hard to break – someone picks up their phone while you’re talking to them. It’s impossible to feel good in that situation, so you do what feels socially acceptable — you pick up your phone.

Now, you are two human beings – who were just minutes ago having a conversation – staring at your phones together.

More from the study above:

“As humans, our need to belong is paramount and vital to our very existence. We are social animals. Those of us with strong social networks live longer and are happier. To be socially excluded is to threaten one’s very existence. Baumeister and Tice (1990) argue that our fear of social exclusion is equivalent to our fear of snakes, the dark, and heights.

Given the importance of feeling connected to our fellow human beings, the sense of exclusion activated by being phubbed increases one’s need to regain inclusion. Being excluded is painful [33]. When we are excluded, parts of our brain that detect and regulate pain are activated. Additionally, our ability to control our thoughts, emotions, and behavior is compromised, as are our abilities to reason and properly perceive time [34]. Once a person feels excluded, his or her paramount concern is to regain a sense of inclusion. To regain a sense of inclusion threatened by a face-to-face interaction, people may turn to their smartphones and social media to engage with others and soothe the pain associated with being phubbed.”

Is scrolling the new comfort food?

Not just rude, but detrimental to our relationships

Not only are we stuck in this phubbing cycle, we are hurting the strength of our relationships by consistently snubbing our loved ones.

In a key study, Why using your phone during interactions with your partner can be detrimental for your relationship, the researchers found, “The use of one's phone in the presence of a partner (phubbing), has an, often unintentional, detrimental relationship effect, as a partner feels excluded and it harms the experienced responsiveness and intimacy in the interactions one is in.”

A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that the mere presence of mobile phones — in this case, the phone was placed out of the study participants direct field of vision — interfered with relationships, especially when people were having meaningful conversations.

From Psychology Today, “Researchers documented that phubbing victims respond in a variety of ways when phubbed. Namely, on days they perceive more phubbing from their romantic partner, people tend to: feel more resentment, experience greater curiosity about a partner's phone us, and retaliate by engaging in their own phone use.”

Quit the snubbing.

Let’s be clear – phubbing is a horrible habit. We don’t deserve to experience it, and we should not be treating other people so poorly.

If you’re guilty of phubbing, start to find some awareness in your actions. Ask yourself if looking at your phone, while with someone else, is really urgent. If it is something you do need to do, like a time sensitive text you need to reply to, narrate what you’re doing.

This is a tool I use when I’m with my kids and partner alike. If I’m on my phone and they’re close by or curious, I’ll simply explain that I’m doing something important and I’ll be right back with them. I can see the tension melt away when I acknowledge that being on my phone while I’m talking to them is not okay.

Are you on the other side of someone constantly phubbing you? It’s important to tell them how crummy it makes you feel. Just as you might not be aware of your own phubbing, they might not realize the effects of their actions. We often forget to communicate as our first line of defense.

It’s a strange world we live in where it’s so commonplace to get sucked into your phone mid-conversation. Be a part of the change and start demanding the attention of those around you.