I can't tell you how happy I am that you shared this. Every single point is so extremely relatable and I was saying, YEP, MM-HMM, YES!, the whole time. I'm a mom of 2 kids, ages 6 and almost 3 and yeeeeaaah, I don't ask for help. It's very hard for me to do, and the few times I accepted someone's offer, it was totally transactional feeling (to me and only me). It's like okay, thanks for that, I'll buy you dinner! Like, babe no.
I went through postpartum with my very supportive husband, and leaned on him for everything which was great to have, but also not good for both of us, really. I was carrying a ton of the emotional load all the time and it took me forever to finally talk to someone and get help. Most of my very good friends do not have kids, and we don't have help from family because they don't live closeby. It's..really tough and only time aka my kids getting older has eased it all, but now I look around and I'm like..oh hey...remember me? It's not fair to them, either because I cherish my friendships and I know I've been neglecting them while parenting. Not every get together needs to or should involve my kids, but damn, I'm always with them...Now that my oldest is in school and my youngest having JUST started daycare, I have slivers of free time now when I'm not working and call me crazy, but now I just want to be alone! I can't win..
I can so relate with the feeling of wanting to be alone. I have a couple free mornings. I use to fantasize about using this time to grab coffee or go for a walk with a friend, but time after time I choose alone time. It's complicated when you're so needed 24/7. You crave that time where no one is asking anything of you.
It's been a big goal of mine for this next season to get out of that "alone" comfort space at least once a week.
well stated, so many thoughts on this! i’ve been mothering long enough to have witnessed the culmination of this issue into what it is today, with social media influencers and accounts running rampant, and….im so tired of seeing them talking about the village they themselves help to usurp. and help assist people into thinking they don’t need, or can find digitally (spoiler: online ‘community’ is not real community) which alters how they show up irl to irl community….so much here. so much for us all to learn here! i wanted to say, ‘if only so many of us didn’t show up to motherhood so firmly rooted in maiden identity…’ but, there is something there for us, to shed that and learn to lean in to receiving. it did take until my third baby for me to realllly lean into this practice fully, and comfortably.
Yea, oof the influencer piece is so complex. It's also compounded with "buy this" and "life hack" - things that are proposed to make life easier, but really you're just more isolated and poorer for it.
It gets to the point where I feel like I'm bothering people if I whatsapp them a question that I know (and they know) full well I could Google and get an immediate answer. But I would rather ask a real person with real parenting experience!
The older I get, and the less I'm online, the more I've realised that online community is no substitute for real community. Real face-to-face, showing up, being there for one another, without flaking or cancelling for good reason, community. There are elements of online community that can be positive of course, but I think that we are all poorer for it.
And also, I wish I had got off Instagram sooner. It took me 3 years of parenting to finally delete my account, and I feel so much better for it. No generation of parents have ever had so much of their instinctual parenting stamped out for them by the toxicity of constant, conflicting, parenting advice delivered via social media.
I can't tell you how happy I am that you shared this. Every single point is so extremely relatable and I was saying, YEP, MM-HMM, YES!, the whole time. I'm a mom of 2 kids, ages 6 and almost 3 and yeeeeaaah, I don't ask for help. It's very hard for me to do, and the few times I accepted someone's offer, it was totally transactional feeling (to me and only me). It's like okay, thanks for that, I'll buy you dinner! Like, babe no.
I went through postpartum with my very supportive husband, and leaned on him for everything which was great to have, but also not good for both of us, really. I was carrying a ton of the emotional load all the time and it took me forever to finally talk to someone and get help. Most of my very good friends do not have kids, and we don't have help from family because they don't live closeby. It's..really tough and only time aka my kids getting older has eased it all, but now I look around and I'm like..oh hey...remember me? It's not fair to them, either because I cherish my friendships and I know I've been neglecting them while parenting. Not every get together needs to or should involve my kids, but damn, I'm always with them...Now that my oldest is in school and my youngest having JUST started daycare, I have slivers of free time now when I'm not working and call me crazy, but now I just want to be alone! I can't win..
I can so relate with the feeling of wanting to be alone. I have a couple free mornings. I use to fantasize about using this time to grab coffee or go for a walk with a friend, but time after time I choose alone time. It's complicated when you're so needed 24/7. You crave that time where no one is asking anything of you.
It's been a big goal of mine for this next season to get out of that "alone" comfort space at least once a week.
well stated, so many thoughts on this! i’ve been mothering long enough to have witnessed the culmination of this issue into what it is today, with social media influencers and accounts running rampant, and….im so tired of seeing them talking about the village they themselves help to usurp. and help assist people into thinking they don’t need, or can find digitally (spoiler: online ‘community’ is not real community) which alters how they show up irl to irl community….so much here. so much for us all to learn here! i wanted to say, ‘if only so many of us didn’t show up to motherhood so firmly rooted in maiden identity…’ but, there is something there for us, to shed that and learn to lean in to receiving. it did take until my third baby for me to realllly lean into this practice fully, and comfortably.
Yea, oof the influencer piece is so complex. It's also compounded with "buy this" and "life hack" - things that are proposed to make life easier, but really you're just more isolated and poorer for it.
So well said, all of it. Thank you!
It gets to the point where I feel like I'm bothering people if I whatsapp them a question that I know (and they know) full well I could Google and get an immediate answer. But I would rather ask a real person with real parenting experience!
The older I get, and the less I'm online, the more I've realised that online community is no substitute for real community. Real face-to-face, showing up, being there for one another, without flaking or cancelling for good reason, community. There are elements of online community that can be positive of course, but I think that we are all poorer for it.
And also, I wish I had got off Instagram sooner. It took me 3 years of parenting to finally delete my account, and I feel so much better for it. No generation of parents have ever had so much of their instinctual parenting stamped out for them by the toxicity of constant, conflicting, parenting advice delivered via social media.