Will your relationships change if you leave social media?
Spoiler alert: Yes. But it doesn't have to be a bad thing...
At the beginning of the summer, I deleted the Instagram app. I’ve checked in a handful of times since – just downloading the app for less than 10 minutes to either find an old recipe I had saved or to quickly check my messages. I haven’t spent much time checking in on my feed.
Last week, I downloaded the app for a similar check in, but this time, I spent a little time on the app, and I ventured in to see what my friends and family had been posting over the last few months. As the Instagram algorithm is known to do, it fed me some of the most liked posts that I had missed in my time since downloading the app. This turned out to mostly be engagements, weddings, and baby announcements. One post in particular caught my attention – one of my oldest friends had announced her new pregnancy! Months ago! This is a friend who I have texted with about non-related things multiple times over the last few months. I was mortified that I hadn’t given her a proper congratulations, let alone even acknowledged her news.
The rare bird is one who does not have a social media presence. According to Pew Research, in 2021, 84% of adults 18-29 and 81% of adults 30-49 reported that they used social media sites. We now rely on social media to announce big life changes, to share our successes, to post the highlights of our life. Instagram has become a way to communicate with our friends and family – not just using the messaging feature to check in, but to send memes, posts, and stories from other accounts.
It seems inevitable that as you reshape your relationship with technology, and specifically social media, your relationships will change. So is it avoidable? No.
It doesn't have to be a bad thing though.
In fact, while you may feel lonelier at first, by taking the proper steps, you can build more fulfilling relationships than you ever had when you were primarily connected with people in a virtual world.
Advice for maintaining (and growing!) relationships without social media:
Identify which relationships are most important for you to maintain: Who do you connect with the most on social media? Who are you messaging and interacting with the most?
Communicate that you’re making a change: You have two options here – public or private
The private path: I’ve never been a heavy poster on social media. I lean towards lurking. It felt unnatural to make any public declarations about my intentions to cut social. Instead, I let my close friends and family know privately: “Hey, I’m making some changes with how I use social media. I’m deleting Instagram for at least the summer. I’ll see how I feel in a few months. If you message me or you post and I don’t interact, it’s just because I’m not there! Please text or call me instead! I still love to see your pictures and know about your life.”
The public path: Maybe you’re someone who shares a lot on social media, and it might feel strange to just stop. If it feels more natural to make an announcement, do what feels right! One pro of taking this path is it does lend itself to some accountability. If you tell 500 people you’re taking a break from Instagram, then you make a post a week later, you might end up feeling a bit sheepish.
One thing to note: If anyone you share this information with gives you any flack, they suck and you might want to reassess your friendship. I spent some time sober after encountering some negative side effects of alcohol. The people who didn’t want to hang out with me after work if I was ordering a lemonade instead of a beer? The ones who told me “just one drink can’t make you too sick!”? I learned quickly they were not my real friends. The same message applies here.
Get ready to start making a bigger effort: This is your journey, so you need to be the one to initiate the changes in your relationships. Text your friends more frequently. Call your family to catch up, even if it’s only 5 minutes. Invite people to coffee, lunch, dinner, the park, etc. Be consistent here. It may take some getting used to on both ends of the relationship, but the end result will be a richer and stronger community.
There’s a lot of research about online vs. offline relationships. I won’t go too deep into it today, but I recognize there are some advantages to maintaining online relationships. You may be looking for a specific community that doesn’t exist in person where you live (for example: a specialized hobby). Or maybe you’re in a busy season of life, and connecting to friends online has felt like the easiest way to stay close to those you love.
I acknowledge these things, but I challenge you to look at the bigger picture. If you’re here, it’s likely because you know you need to make a change in your life. Relying solely on online friendships has become a detriment to your overall life goals.
Washington Post outlines some incredible benefits of in-person friendships: “A recent study analyzed data from nearly 13,000 volunteers, examining not only their number of friends but also whether they saw each other. Having face-to-face contact with friends at least once per week was a strong predictor of better physical and mental health.”
The article further explains, “When we spend time with friends and relatives face-to-face, we may get on the same brain wave — literally. According to a 2023 study, as soon as we look each other in the eyes, the neural activity in our brains may become synchronized…Such neural synchrony has been linked with more kindness toward others, better communication and cooperation…A 2024 review found that holding hands, hugs and other friendly skin-to-skin contact can also help us sleep better, as well as reduce stress.”
The science is there, sure, but here’s what the research can’t quantify:
The belly laughs and strained cheeks sitting at around a table with my oldest friends
Wordlessly taking out the trash and folding the laundry for a new mom
Bringing a sick neighbor some fresh groceries and hot meals
Connecting with a stranger, bonding over my raggedy band tee
Forging new friendships in my 30s; looking forward to more in my 40s, 50s, 60s, beyond
Visiting an old friend, reminiscing over the old days
Hugging my family, watching your cousins, nieces, nephews, grandchildren grow
Your relationships will certainly change if you leave social media, but if you put in the effort, you will build a lasting, supportive, and lifelong community.
Hi reader. In the coming weeks, I’m launching a new reader Q&A series. If you have a question about digital minimalism or starting your own journey to break free from the internet, shoot me a message at the link below.